Mother Guilt; The Vicious Cycle of The Middle Age Mother
I will never forget when, during my first pregnancy, my friend Carolyn told me, “The moment the baby comes out, guilt comes in”.
Was she ever right!
How many of you are familiar with this feeling, even years after the day your first child was born?
My kids are currently 11 and 14, and guilt rarely abandons me.
Perhaps, guilt has always been inside of me, instilled by years of Catholic upbringing and guilt-tripping parenting methods. It was just dormant, like one of those viruses you catch and you don’t even know you have, until something triggers its reactivation.
It is evident that mother guilt is a shared emotion.
Numerous women are advocating for the elimination of the term mother guilt, finding it demeaning to women.
While I understand their perspective, I also believe that assigning a name to an emotion experienced by so many women can foster a sense of community.
Some may perceive it as merely a stereotype while others, may find solace in it.
As with everything else in life, there are multiple perspectives to consider.
So what inspired me to write this Blog on mother guilt, other than guilt itself?
Last week I was in Montreal, where I met up with my roommate from my university years.
It had been 20 years since we parted ways. While we had seen each other intermittently, it had been nine years since our last encounter.
Meeting her and spending time together was exhilarating. I couldn’t stop listening to her stories – everything she has done and accomplished in the past years left me in awe! I felt so happy and so proud of her, truly admiring her!
She kept asking me, “And what about you?”
And I kept deflecting, saying, “No, I am not done with the questions”.
I wanted to know more about her life, as if I were reading one of those books you just can’t put down!
Eventually, I did tell her about myself.
But after listening to all her exciting stories of buying her own condo in the city, her car for weekend ski trips, and all of her exotic travels, I felt like I had nothing to say.
“Well, you know, still working on my Blog when I have time. Mostly running around with the kids and managing the house, the dogs, the grocery, the laundry, blah, blah, blah…”
We truly had a fantastic evening, and this time together left me with a feeling that I’ve never experienced before.
I was genuinely so happy and proud of her – for everything she has done and accomplished, for the mature and amazing woman she’s evolved into. I wished I could have her in my life more often.
There was no envy or jealousy for what she has become. Just joy.
However, other thoughts emerged.
I started questioning if I would have been able to accomplish the same in life if I didn’t start a family. (Who would I be if I weren’t this mother and this wife?).
And then, I started dreaming about my different life: single, living in a city with a great career. Being able to go skiing on weekends and travel to destinations I desired.
Once the dreaming bubble burst, I wondered if my friend asked herself how her life would be in a small town with a family?
Perhaps my story wasn’t that boring to her as it sounded to me…
And then the guilt for feeling these feeling and thinking these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks.
How could I have thought of my life as boring???
I have a wonderful husband, two amazing kids whom I had such a hard time having. I am privileged enough to stay home and take care of them all!
Why do I feel my life is not exciting to talk about?
As mothers, we are conditioned to think that it’s an awful sin to be ungrateful for what we have, and that nobody should even talk about it!
But you and I know that there are moments in which we feel like we want something different and something more. Different company and different tasks, as the many chores we do are not at all thrilling.
Perhaps ‘bored’, is not the right term. ‘Tired’ or ‘exhausted’, is more the correct term.
If you’re a working mom, do you often find yourself measuring your worth based on your job performance? I used to experience this frequently when I worked in an office environment. It took me years to unravel the narrative that kept me tethered to my job and break it down.
And if you are a stay-at-home mom, how often do you feel that your worth is tied to doing everything for your family?
It’s exhausting and draining. Sometimes, all you want to really do is to hibernate for a season and sleep. But then the guilt creeps in. Are you being lazy? What is your purpose if you take that time for yourself?
That’s the guilt talking!
Even when I take some relaxing time to read a book, Rufus stares at me like he needs my undivided attention.
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Mother guilt comes in many different shapes and sizes.
You can feel it when you start wondering how different your life would look like without a family, or when all you want is to be alone in silence.
Regardless of why and how you feel it, mother guilt is always associated with fear, insecurity and shame.
Let me be clear, this is not why many women are fighting to ban the term.
The reason why a growing number of women are fighting the mother guilt term is because the word ‘guilty’ is associated with negative thinking and acting and wrongdoing, which is not what (most) mothers do.
According to Beth Berry, there is also an imposed societal connotation with the term mother guilt.
For centuries, women have been taught that emotions like sadness and frustration that they experience when the needs of their children are unmet need to be swapped with guilt.
Women are highly self-critical and self-sacrificial, so they automatically translate guilt into action, which means extra work to fulfill others’ needs, leaving us depleted.
But I am not here to campaign to ban the term mother guilt.
I am here to talk about it, and to delve into what causes it.
To me, there are two eye opening aspects of mother guilt at any age;
- No matter what triggers it, it always stems from exhaustion.
- Guilt, whether it’s mother guilt or it’s unrelated to motherhood, is often a manifestation of insecurity, shame or fear. Recognizing this has been tremendously helpful for me because it allows me to delve deep into the root cause of my guilt and work on addressing the actual issue at hand. More on this later.
I’ve come to realize that for middle-aged mothers with tween and teens, there’s a shared Middle Aged Mothers Vicious Cycle that leads us to guilt. Yes, mother guilt.
The Middle Aged Mother Vicious Cycle goes like this:
All Life Circumstances accumulate, creating Emotional Overwhelm.
Weeks and months are spent thinking and overthinking these circumstances, pondering if and how they can be changed.
Exhaustion sets in, and the desire for a break, or a breakdown becomes inevitable. Some time is take to think, rest, and perhaps contemplate change.
Guilt is followed for being perceived as selfish. How could one desire change from such a wonderful life? How could personal needs take precedence over those of the family?
And so, one marches back to the same Life Circumstance they started with.
The problem doesn’t lie in the Life Circumstances but in the underlying reasons for the guilt.
The cycle begins with Life Circumstances.
I’ve listed eight Life Circumstances that are part of my Middle-Aged Mother Vicious Cycle. You may have fewer or more.
Let’s take a look.
Please nod along as you read if you related to it.
middle-aged mother vicious cycle; Life circumstance #1
You've been raising your kids for years
You had your kids over a decade ago. Raising them has been a work in progress, and both the joys and struggles have accumulated over the years.
As much as you are proud of what your kids have become and the joys they’ve brought to your life, you realize you are tired. It has been a true labour of love.
With each passing year, the kids mature more, but so do you, and your body…
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #2
You are also managing the whole family
Your work is not limited to raising your children.
You are the Master Scheduler, Coordinator and Chief Operating Officer of your entire family: husband, kids, animals, plants and all their needs. Yours should be included too.
If you have a job, a career, a business to manage in addition to all that, you are spread thin.
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #3
as they get older they need you more
I always get a kick out of this.
As Cherie Blair puts it; “I think they need you more as they get older”.
I couldn’t agree more!
I have been reading several articles on the growing trend, especially in the UK, called teen-ternity leave.
Many mothers are putting their careers on hold to stay home with their teenage kids. It seems like tween and teens need guidance and attention more than when they were babies.
The pressure on teenagers has never been greater with the added challenges of the digital world.
I am so grateful I had the opportunity to leave my job to be home with them.
I feel like they need more guidance now than they did before, with all their extra-curricular activities, emotions and first experiences in life.
But even these circumstances create guilt in mothers:
Some feel guilty because they left their career behind; others because they no longer contribute financially to the wealth of the family. Then there are mothers who feel guilty because they cannot afford to leave their jobs to be with their kids, and those who can do it, feel guilty because they can!
It never ends!
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #4
your own parents are aging and they give you a good dose of guilt trip
If you are lucky, you might find yourself adding your aging parents to your vicious cycle of guilt.
Some parents are even happy to contribute to your guilty feelings with a good weekly dose of a guilt trip!
Declining health in parents is stressful for so many reasons; emotional, financial and time availability.
It’s extremely hard to provide emotional support and all the help your parents may need when you are already struggling to find time and an emotional balance for yourself.
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #5
You are also dealing with peri-menopausal symptoms
This is tough.
You can’t run and exercise the way you did just yesterday.
Your period never ends or rarely comes. And when it comes, it’s like a bomb exploded in your panties, (gross, sorry!). And the headaches!!!
Your intimate life suffers because of it. Hence you feel emotionally detached.
Your body starts plumping up despite all your exercise efforts and the meagre carrot and celery sticks you scarf for dinner.
Aside from the many physical struggles, your hormones heavily and happily contribute to your emotional roller coaster and fog your ability to distinguish what is peri-menopause induced and what is real.
Lovely, isn’t it?
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #6
you feel exhausted and all you want to do is sleep and being alone
How can all of this not leave you exhausted?
I am tired just writing about it.
The constant moving around, interacting with people, coordinating, everything and everyone, even if it is in the silence of a stay-at-home mom, leave a crazy noise in your brain.
Make it stop!
All you want to do is hibernate for the season.
Stop thinking, listen to the sound of silence (amen to you Simon & Garfunkel), and just be.
If you were me, you’d just want to sleep and read a book.
(I actually set an alarm at 7:00am on a Saturday morning with the sole purpose of reading my book with a coffee in silence!).
I bet you have a similar ritual to carve out some peace and quiet for yourself.
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #7
circumstance #6 makes you feel useless and without a purpose
And then, BOOM! 💥
All these thoughts of ‘me time’ explode in your brain making you feel like a selfish person!
GUILTY!!
You start thinking, why would you want to be alone and have quiet time when your purpose is to serve your family? You feel useless and without a purpose if you are not constantly hustling for your family and your job!
What would life be without them?
You’ll have time to be peaceful and alone when you are old in a personal care home, craving your kids’ attention!!
(Note; you have every right to desire time for yourself and to prioritize your needs right now! I am writing in guilt-inducing voice).
MIDDLE-AGED MOTHER VICIOUS CYCLE; LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE #8
you dare to dream of a different life
When you are exhausted and feeling guilty, which is always, you start thinking and dreaming about a different life.
How would your life look like if you weren’t this mother and this wife?
Not because you don’t love your current life, but because you feel there is something missing.
Even though women are naturally geared to be nurturers, we are all different and we have various personalities, characters and talents. We have different ambitions and priorities.
We don’t have to be just mothers and wives; we can have successful careers, side gigs and hobbies to fulfill our needs.
It takes sacrifice and grit, and guilt will be by your side along the way, as long as you recognize it for what it is.
GUILT! Because even when you dare dreaming of a different life you’d be great at, guilt burst your bubble!
You shouldn’t dream of a different life, when yours is perfectly fine.
Think of all those women who can’t have children.
Think of all those who can’t afford to have children, and so on…
All these life circumstance, piled on top of each other become overwhelming.
Especially because, each one of them brings you some level of guilt.
No wonder you end up feeling emotionally overwhelmed!
I’ve crafted this Middle Aged Mother Vicious Cycle To Feeling Guilty to help you grasp why you might be experiencing mother guilt.
However, merely recognizing it isn’t cause to dwell on it without action.
While it’s comforting to share these emotions with other mothers, it’s equally crucial to delve deeper into the root causes of this guilt.
Sure, exhaustion plays a significant role in everything you do. But there is more to it that warrants exploration.
While there is no need to overhaul your Life Circumstances, a constructive approach to breaking this vicious cycle involves dissecting the reasons behind your guilt.
Consider reframing guilt as a catalyst for growth, rather than a stereotypical flaw of motherhood.
By analyzing these reasons, you can uncover solutions to the underlying issues you are facing. This shifts your perspective away from simply labeling it as ‘guilt’, allowing you to address the genuine emotions driving it.
For example;
I feel guilty for only calling my parents when I am driving somewhere, rather than making time to call them when I am home.
My guilt is probably a manifestation of my shame for not making time to call them when I am at home.
Why am I ashamed of that? Do I really need to be ashamed of that?
Well, let’s see.
What are the reasons why I don’t call my parents when I am at home?
I have a million things to do.
Can I set time aside to make that call? Not really. I would be too rushed, while on my long drive to the city I have more time.
Now that I have my logical answer, the guilt is released.
I hope this Blog has shed light on the shared nature of mother guilt and the supportive community available to you.
But above all, my aim is to inspire you to uncover the true reasons behind your feelings of mother guilt.
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Hey Plant Loving Woman!
Are you a middle age mom?
Do you constantly feel overwhelmed and anxious?
Do you believe in the healing power of nature?
To reveal your #1 Personal Houseplant that best
helps you reduce your anxiety.